So no ones probably going to read this but I just need to let everything out before my mind goes insane. Someone once told me if I ever felt suicidal to come talk to them, that they will be there no matter what and when I did, I was shaking in the middle of the night begging for someone to help me but everyone else was asleep and I was left alone, at night with all these fucking thoughts that are thrown back and forth inside my head. I legitimately thought that was the night. But I’m still here today and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. These suicidal feelings aren’t just a stage in life that goes away as easily as it sounds with the help of pills and suicide hot-line and it’s not just a feeling you get at night when everything comes crashing down. The worst part about feeling suicidal is that you feel it throughout your whole day and you hold it in until you come home. It’s so sad when it gets to a point where no one else can do anything for you, and despite you’re the one feeling like you should take your own life because you’ve been pushed too far, you still feel like you’re the one bothering your friends and family as if you were a burden. Someone from my school once told me she cuts and send me photos of them last year. Turns out that those photos weren’t photos of her own wrists and that she lied about cutting. I only discovered this recently and I started to wonder why. Why the fuck would you ever tell other people that you cut if you don’t. If you’ve never sliced a razor through your skin, why on earth would you tell others you have. Why would anyone even want to be in that position because I’ve fucking been there and I’m still there and I can tell you, you do not want to, it’s not fun nor a goddamn joke. I’ve been so tired lately, I can’t sleep and my friends always tell me I’m weird because of it or that I should just go to bed but I bet they didn’t know that there’s so many thoughts in my head, it keeps me up all night and that it’s not like I don’t want to fall asleep, I just physically can’t. I know no one probably cares or they’ll probably think that there are so many other people that have it worse which is true but there’s so much pain and it’s so hard to shut out. Everything in my family is shattered and I could look at it and either feel so empty or completely broken. I feel so alone most of the time. I’m so sorry I’m never good enough and that I’m sad all the time and that I’m too much to handle. I’m just never really enough or good at anything. I can’t even help my friends, I just get shut out completely, I’m so fucking useless. A large part of me really just wants to die but another part just wants someone to fucking help me because I’m so lost and I just want to be happy and I’m trying so hard to shut everything out but I can’t. I’m so sorry to everyone that I was always a bother or annoying I just didn’t want to be alone but if this were to be last thing I ever post or say I just want to put out there that I honestly just wanted someone there at night because there’s been too many nights where I’ve spent it alone and that I’m sorry

astound:

can someone teach me how to be attractive

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pizzapriince:

following back everyone until i find a tumblr gf♡